Relationship Green Flags

We can fall victim to our own self-sabotage in relationships for one reason or another. Especially, if we have had our hearts broken a time or two before, our emotional walls may make it hard and sometimes impossible to let someone else in. We get into a habit of focusing on the negative aspects about a person and why the relationship is destined to fail.

For those of you who have a gut wrenching feeling to run because of red flags, or if you feel like you are in an abusive relationship, listen to what your body is telling you and we encourage you to seek out local resources on abusive relationships, call the US National Hotline for domestic violence at (800) 799-7233 or text START to 88788.

Those that do not have that unexplained gut feeling to run but suffer from a pattern of self-sabotaging and negativity in relationships, unrelated to concerns of abuse, this article is for you.

I want to encourage you to be more mindful of your thinking patterns as it relates to your relationships, especially the romantic ones. You see, if all we do is hyperfocus on the differences or what we see are the flaws of another person, we inadvertently break trust, intimacy, and love. Here is an example of how red flags can destroy a relationship:

Many years ago, one of my friends thought it was a red flag that her boyfriend kept his phone with him at all times. She had been cheated on several times in past relationships, so naturally her guard was up. The red flag of keeping his cell phone on him told her that he couldn't be trusted, that he was hiding things, or inappropriately texting other women. However, his work required him to be available 24/7. This guy was not cheating on her. He was in love with her and worked harder than I had ever seen anyone work at building a more trusting relationship. He literally lit up every time he saw her and we all made fun of him for just how in love he was with her. It was “The Notebook” kind of love that you don't see every day. He jumped through every obstacle she put in his path. Because he always had his phone on him, it allowed him to respond to her exceptionally timely.

She would demand to go through his phone, drilling him on various text messages, accusing him of deleting text messages, etc. She had it in her mind that this was a red flag and that he couldn’t be trusted and was never satisfied with how he would respond when she demanded to see his phone. For him, it became frustrating that there still was not trust, even though he explained to her that it would be easier for him if she just secretly went through his phone instead of demanding to see it. He was an open book but did take offense to how accusatory she was and how mean she would get.

Ultimately, it became very taxing on him and rightfully so. He sought advice from his friends on how he could build a more trustworthy relationship. We encouraged him to leave her, as it was becoming more and more unhealthy for the both of them. Her explosive tantrums, idle threats to leave him, control in shutting down and refusing to talk made it very challenging for him. He still wanted to jump through the hoops proving every second of every day to her. It became a very toxic situation. The unresolved trauma from her past prevented her from seeing the truth of what he actually brought to the relationship. The lack of trust she created destroyed his spirits, self esteem, and his outlook on their relationship.

My point to all of this is, no matter how many tests a person may pass, how many obstacles we have someone jump through, no matter how much one tries to prove their love for us, or how hard one tries at breaking down our walls, some will continue to identify red flags in their words, actions and find excuses to why we shouldn't move forward. One day the inevitable will happen, we will hurt someone by pushing them away and someone will hurt us as a result by not fighting for us anymore. We think if we evaluate all the red flags, it will help protect us. But in a lot of circumstances, it doesn't, it actually does the opposite. We use these red flags to push our partner away instead of pulling them closer.

Guess what, we all have red flags because not one of us are perfect human beings. We have flaws, we have baggage, we have insecurities and fears. Perhaps, instead of focusing on the red flags about a person, we should start focusing more attention on the green flags. Examining why a person may be our Mr./Mrs. Right instead of tearing them down. When we focus on green flags, it helps foster a more trusting relationship. Allowing ourselves to be comfortable with vulnerability and celebrating the uniquely good things about a person, instead of their flaws or our negative perceptions. By exploring the green flags a person brings to a relationship, we will only help strengthen the positive attributes and reinforce the good of the person which creates a healthier bond.

When we focus our attention on the green flags, we open ourselves up to be loved and to accept love. Green flags tend to be true reflections of what a person actually does or brings to the relationship. These things tend to be heard and shown on a consistent basis despite the status of the relationship. If things are good in the relationship, green flags are recognizable. If things are a bit rocky, green flags are still recognizable, which is not the case with love bombing.

Here are a few examples to look for in green flags

Opens the door or holds the door open not just for you but for everyone.

Returns the shopping cart after grocery shopping.

• Allows you to have your own opinions.

• Encourages and supports you wanting the best for you.

• Asks about your day and truly listens before talking about their day.

• Encourages you to have time alone with your friends and family.

• Watch your favorite type of movie or tv show with you.

• Openly communicates about thoughts, perceptions, and feelings.

• Allows you to have personal freedom.

• Is comfortable with silence.

• Shares in chores that are less than desirable.

• Provides compliments that are not solely sexual in nature.

• Offers to help you and others without strings attached.

• Looks at you as if you were the only one in the room despite who else is around.

• Initiates check ins on a routine basis, even if in rocky times.

• Does thoughtful actions on a consistent basis, not just when you are upset.

• Involves you in their social life by not being afraid to introduce you to friends/family.

• Doesn’t shut down when there are disagreements.

• Takes on tasks at home to make your life a little easier.

• Stays up with you to care for a sick child.

• Allows you to sleep in without a guilt trip.

• Offers to massage your body without expecting favors in return.

• Works on improving him/herself from feedback you have provided.

Today I want to challenge you on being intentional with honoring your loved one by celebrating the good that they bring to the relationship. Share with them what they do for you to make a positive difference for you and the relationship.

Here is an example of focusing on green flags instead of red flags that I wish my friend would have done: “I appreciate you having your phone on you at all times. It proves to me that I can trust you and that you won't play games. I don't have to worry for hours when/if I am going to hear from you. It also shows how engaged and dedicated you are at work which are attributes I really admire about you.”

Additionally, think about how this can apply this to other types of relationships in your life, such as at work or other types of professional or personal relationships.